Sometimes it feels like managing fear, managing the hatred that wants to bubble up in response to the news, managing uncertainty that comes along with all of it… is a full time job. Seriously.
A few months after the election in 2016, after I had quickly gained 12 pounds from crazy ice cream eating beginning November 9th … and posting all sorts of political protests … I stopped.
I couldn’t do it, couldn’t handle the amount of fear and vitriol and judgment.
Couldn’t handle the flood of adrenaline literally choking my voice off.
I was scaring myself, and I knew that I had to choose something, for myself.. that was different.
This was also just prior to my 60th birthday.
And I decided to choose heart open.
I chose non divisive.
I chose trying to see in new ways.
For me it’s been a good choice. I admit that every morning I wake up, catch a few headlines and utter a prayer that says something like ‘please don’t let me hate them’ …
I’m no saint … so not even close. Like, really I’m not. Anger was my friend for a very long time. I was more fighter than lover … for awhile.
It protected me, I thought so anyways.
But I know how corrosive hatred and anger are. And I know that nothing is solved from there … not for me anyway.
How you handle the world, is yours.
I laugh at the people whose paths have crossed mine the last few years. It’s not coincidence. My downstairs neighbor so politically opposite from me, that we actually laugh about it … but hearing Fox news from her home … still jars me.
Some of the men I dated … conservatives … one an evangelical.
I was curious.
I had a fantasy, to be honest … that I could maybe be with somebody and create this pathway of love so big and bright that we could be a couple with totally opposite views who chose love instead. It did not work. But it was an interesting experiment … maybe I will tell you more some day.
And I was very very afraid of being judged, criticized, accused of whatever. Whatever.
I have learned and seen a lot the last few years. But I will tell you I do not regret staying heart open …
I want to love.
I want to come from love.
I am spiritually aware, curious, open minded …
And yes I love my friends who share mostly the same views, who love the mystical, who love the spiritual practices ancient and modern … and I love love love my Kundalini yoga community.
I am thankful that my parents were as open minded and liberal and aware as they were. I never knew there was really anything else … I was so naive in my Massachusetts world.
Anyway … I am still a fan of staying in the heart. My personal world has changed too …. people in my life that were carrying a lot of anger or judgement have mostly floated away … even my oldest friend.
I just couldn’t have that near me. Life is too short, my losses too painful.
I knew what I wanted and who I wanted to be.
I fail miserably at times. I am ridiculously flawed and imperfect.. but my heart still has some of its innocence and I am so grateful for that.
I am profoundly thankful for so much love in my life … for the beings that love me, see me, offer their own innocent and open hearts. For my teachers and the teachings. For my body that has withstood some pretty major stressors, losses, fears, and changes.
I pray for this world. I read the Washington Post this morning and started having an intense rush of anxiety … managing it all is a big big deal. I know.
I want my way of managing it to stay in the heart, I want to believe in something bigger at play, I want to love and serve in ways that help … I want to be the shoulder you can rest on, the arms that will hold you when you need that, the voice that can soothe and remind you of who you are.
That’s what I’m thinking about, feeling right now … in my privileged life, after Kundalini yoga, and the farmers market … and with a relaxing afternoon ahead.
And if you would love to be part of community… where you can come with your tender heart, to connect, be seen and heard, be nourished with new solutions and strategies and daily connection.. I’d love to welcome you to #hearthandtable … just contact me and I’ll give you details.