I was in the midst of another powerful coaching session with my beloved business coach, R. Being listened to with that mind, those ears, that heart has been a spectacular blessing these last 7 months, I don’t care what it’s cost me (said brazenly because I now have credit card debt which makes me seriously squirmy).
Anyways.. being listened to by somebody who sees and understands patterns and the place too where the mystical meets the practical…and whose heart sees yours, and whose heart loves yours…Worth paying big money for. The brilliance that somebody can create from your own raw material. Also highly worth it. Being seen, having what you think is your big crazy ‘mess’ honed into your just-right gorgeous business.. pay for that when you find it. I mean it.
So we were talking about something not exactly business related, but I always trust her to show me where things connect and to make sense out of the big picture and then we play with the details.
This was about timing. And about speed. Two things that are very much in my heart right now. Things I am struggling with. I have never been patient with my self…although have some capacity for this with my sons and clients.. with my self.. uh that would be no.
Once I can ‘see’ something and the possibilities I am pretty ready to create it. And I want everyone on board going at the same breakneck speed as me. The physical has almost never kept up with my vision. As I write this I now understand my father better… and his temper, his impatience, the pressure he put on himself and on me to make it happen. Ah… ok, I get it now.. it was about speed and that lag between the vision and the physical manifestation. And of course his knowing for almost 10 years that he was living on borrowed time with a terminal diagnosis. We both felt the pressure. That pressure back then pretty much shut me down, I could barely move unable to create on the death-watch.
So R. told me that I am like a Ferrari and that I have to keep managing my speed…have to keep downshifting to keep pace with what’s happening, and those i engage with. It’s true. Although I have never been in a Ferrari, and have never downshifted a stick, I can feel my engine wanting to rev, I want to fly towards my destination, i feel so clear, and being slowed down and held back… well to switch metaphors I’m chomping at the damn bit. When I really really want something, I want to go fast. The slow and steady, the watching it unfold gradually, has no appeal to me. I am all Hare. Because I can see it so perfectly…my intuition taps the possibilities of what could be, and my heart feels the ‘whoosh’ of the beauty and excitement of it, and I’m longing for it to be that.
And yet if you’re going at breakneck speed through the forest, there is no chance to course correct around the terrain, no chance to dodge the trees. Any obstacles, are going to be smashed up or you are. Yes. This is not a safe course. Exciting, but not particularly safe. And there will be those who see the speed and the potential for the crashes as dangerous and reason to be circumspect, and while I understand that, when I am locked onto the vision, it’s hard to slow it down, no matter how reasonable.
The willingness to crash through the forest has something to do with fear. I know for me this fear is about things disappearing if they don’t happen right now. I see where the seeds of the fear were planted, as always many many years ago. Big feelings always have deep roots. It’s not that the inspiration isn’t real, but there is a bit of panic driving it. Beliefs that say you can’t have what you want, or you won’t get there in time, or somebody will get it first or take it or die before it can happen… or the other iterations of fears about what we are permitted to have or create.
Themes of loss show up everywhere for me. They don’t always run me the way they have in the past. I see them, I recognize them, I try to have compassion for them while tempering the tendencies that will create problems.
I’ve learned to go into a more neutral Observer mode.. the Watcher in me sees when this pattern starts to kick up. Sees when the old emotional fears join in and start to spin it.
True inspiration is fairly pure, the minute fear enters it changes its nature and becomes something else.
I’ve repeated this more than once because the wisdom of it still moves me but many years ago somebody gave me this advice- “Never take action from fear, only inspiration”. Such a good rule of thumb. Taking action from fear, which for me often leads to unsafe speeds, creates something that is less than inspired.. more reactive, not particularly creative.
I’m not born of patient people. We all run a little hot if we care about something at all. We like a little speed. The speed and intensity activate us…take us out of what can be slightly depressive at times. We love when the switch is flipped. Something gets my attention, something I want starts to crystallize. Even planning a dinner party excites me. It’s creative, there is focused action, and the focus is part of what’s curative.. focus and creation.
I don’t react well when somebody tries to slow me down. In this coaching session with R, she said it drives me crazy…She said that I am the Phoenix, one of my most powerful archetypes and symbols of the past 2 years, the stories of death and rebirth, seeds and their need for time in the darkness, cycles of creation, it all touches me deeply and comforts me when I feel a sense of nothing happening. That sense of ‘things aren’t happening’ a myth anyways.
I have many ways to downshift a bit to come back to the here and now, to embodiment, to grounding into the earth, to stilling the restless and fearful that can rise up in me. And to remember that I am now and always have been a powerful creator even when I crash into the trees now and then. And I know that the speed I crave is not always the best way to create and grow something and I try to soothe the wild and occasionally reckless parts that served me when I was younger.
R. says it may not be moving at ‘my’ speed, but it’s coming and this is not the end. And I choose to believe that.
I’m taking new clients. To do the deep work, to create a Makeover That Matters…to change your beliefs, your way of caring for yourself, the way you navigate and negotiate relationships, the way you do business…at the perfect speed for you, so if you want to see how it works and talk to me, please go to the Contact page and we’ll set a time to talk.
With all love,