Oh the little battles we wage within… the daily conflicts that can sweep in and disrupt the best of intentions. I love and believe in daily ritualized self-care, I practice it and preach it ad nauseum. And yet there are times when it wants to fall apart.
Here’s a simple example. I very much want to be at yoga class 3 times a week. I know what when I am there I’m able to embody sacred space inside and out. I am soothed by the exotic music, the darkened room, the voice of my teacher. I am comforted by my body’s ability to stretch itself and come into quiet and stillness and strength.. where all the cerebral chattering ceases. Muscles warm and lengthen, breathing deepens and slows, the sensual pleasure of stretching and moving in grace..it’s all good, even when it’s a challenge.
And yet… I have to admit that pretty much every time it’s “time” to change my clothes and get out to the car to drive the 20 minutes it takes to reach the yoga studio, I balk. And more often than I’d like, I know exactly how to talk myself out of going to class.
What the hell is going on here? I really and truly love those classes, for all the reasons I’ve named, so why on earth is it so hard to get out of my own way? Here’s my answer and it’s the same thing I tell my clients, when they too are bemoaning this aspect of themselves that wants to sabotage something good.
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter why. Who cares? As a therapist I was trained in the “why” and the “how” and all of that reasoning and fancy explanation for years and years but truthfully it doesn’t matter all that much. Don’t get stuck there. What matters is coming into this tiny moment, and of finding a way to shift, gently but firmly, back to center. There are various way to do this, but usually you’ll need to find your own calling.
Yesterday, I was feeling pretty raw and ragged… rough around the edges, definitely vulnerable to the pulls of the Saboteur archetype within. I knew it and knew that I needed a bigger-than-usual-dose of daily love. I made it out the door at 730 a.m. for my weekly visit to Tom Tam, the Chinese acupuncturist and healer whom I adore. Check. The afternoon was booked with clients. I fully planned to get to the 4 pm yoga class that I had continued to miss for weeks. And of course I felt the pull not to go… again. I got in the car and went.
The minute I entered the studio I felt better.. peaceful, quiet. I stretched out for several minutes prior to class, so grateful for the sanctuary. At some point in the class, the teacher reminded us to be thankful for the part of ourselves that instinctively had chosen to lean towards wellness and brought us to class. I loved that.
How good to remember that part of ourselves. The part of our Intuitive Body that can guide us towards what is wholesome and good. Your intuitive wisdom that knows exactly what you need and how to sidestep the other energies pulling at you. It’s so comforting to know that this part lives inside of you, that it’s there rooting for you. It’s a moment by moment process..finding your way back again and again to what feels best. And blessing that part of yourself, strengthening it with your attention and love. So good…always.
With great love from my heart to yours-