Sexual Healing; Your Sexual Template

Your Sexual Template-Part of the series of “Living Beautifully In Your Body”

Let’s talk about sex, you and me, yes? I love to boast that it’s impossible to shock me, having worked in a women’s prison and on psychiatric units, and just from listening to countless women tell me their secrets for 25 years. I absolutely love being honored with these stories and I really love it when we get to go deep. I know that one of the biggest gifts I bring to the table is my ability to bring love and acceptance and a heart that does not judge when somebody wants to venture into these waters. It goes beyond my professional resume.. the truth is I am extremely comfortable in places that others may feel squeamish.

 

In our crazy society, where despite all of the voyeurism and tell-all tabloids, there is the other polarity of the old puritan ethic alive and well. And so our sexual histories and all of the richness that lives there, that impacts us so very deeply, doesn’t always get its due. And that really is too bad, because if you can take the judgment out and look at what’s there, there is so much life in our experiences.

 

This is what I was thinking about at the end of Sunday-morning  yoga class, when we were “supposed” to be thinking about nothing.. in the “gap” between thoughts. I was here instead as this idea bubbled up and wanted to become a blogpost.

 

So who helped you create your sexual template? You have a sexual self. You have preferences, and fantasies and desires that probably tend to repeat. Themes that show up as part of your sexuality, as individual as your fingerprints. That’s what I’m talking about.. your sexual template. Something you cocreated with the lovers of your past and present.

 

My closest friend and I, whom I’ve known since preschool and daycamp, talk about sex a fair amount together. God bless those friends who we can tell anything to, seriously. And we’ve been talking a lot about how our sexual identities were formed, the lovers we had early on that absolutely shaped our sexuality.

 

Think about your first lover, the very first one… what have you kept from that experience? How do you remember it? It’s like when you’re interpreting your dreams… the details aren’t quite as important as how you  felt about it all. Whether you felt more or less powerful.. more or less beautiful.. what were the parts that lit you up and thrilled you.. if any. What about if it wasn’t so good… where has the shame or fear or disappointment hung on?

 

What about the next one? For me, the first time had certain meaning but it was my next lover that I experimented with who really breathed life into my sexual being. My memories of us are vivid.. every sense of mine holds details of that time, that summer. I can hear the music that was playing (the Marvin Gaye/Diana Ross duets, in case you’re curious), the sultry evenings in Harvard Square. The joy of being so young, feeling wild and powerful in brand new ways. It was heady stuff, and even in the remembering in present-time, my entire neural network lights up. I remember his gorgeous face and the whole sexual haze of it all. All of it against the backdrop of my father being terminally ill, and how much I wanted to escape that truth. And it’s oh so clear to me that this particular sexual chemistry and my time with him created my unique sexual template. I can see how those tracks got laid down and became part of what I consider my sexual self.

 

Sorting through your sexual past and how it’s impacting you now is something that is worth doing. I have a client that I currently see who has been seeing the power of this…looking at the experiences that thrilled her and the ones that shamed her has lightened her sense of herself in amazing ways.

 

And make no mistake, sexual experiences and how you interpreted and internalized them have a lot to do with how you feel in your body. They have soo much to do with whether you are comfortable being seen, or whether you need to hide behind extra weight or distract yourself with disordered eating. But only always. And if your sexual template was created in pain, shame, guilt or fear, bringing it into the light with somebody who loves you and whom you can trust is an amazing beautiful gift you can have.

 

Your sexuality holds so much of your lifeforce energy… don’t compromise it. If there is weight there, pain there, shame there, set yourself free with some good solid therapy. And if you are blessed enough to have had the lovers you needed and that you deserved, send them love, blessings in the night from your heart, for helping you create something that you carried through your world.

 

When I hear Marvin and Diana harmonizing in those old songs from my wildhearted days, I can absolutely smell the Casablanca (Upstairs) bar, the food cooking in the African restaurant down the way, all of it. And although I am much older now, those moments in time, and so many others, gave me great joy and confidence that I am truly grateful for. Blowing kisses to the winds…with thanks for all of it.

With love from my wild heart to yours...

Lisa

Tagged as: Sexual Healing